Tag Archive | forgiveness

A Mountain of Forgiveness

8

 

most likely its my greatest of woes

like climbing a mountain with no toes

or swimming an ocean for a deep breath

what will I do if it means my death

this not forgiving I hold a grudge

double the anger gives me a nudge

greedy parasites cover earth in a mist

and cruelty is at the top of the my list

growing longer than impatience endures

with my peeves flying past in sharp blurs

I stumble repeatedly flailing off a deadly cliff

falling into shit with a miserable whiff

not quite finding the strength to dig on out

I crawl towards the mountain clawing about

while my heart and hands are covered in pain

I’ve given in to an endless reign

of evil and heartache till I’m finally full

rupturing and bursting my only soul

never learning that vengeance is God’s alone

only His to smite from His Holy throne

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I Used to Give Thanks…

I Used to Give Thanks

11-28-13

 

I used to give Thanks from deep deep down

a lost sheep who’s finally been found

for every little meaningless thing

that fills my time like a bell will ring

loudly echoing from side to side

taking over thoughts far and wide

not realizing how stupid and selfish I was

when He gave His Son’s very life for us

while we murdered every indigenous soul

gave them small pox and then we stole

their land, homes and lives then celebrated

how bountiful our God was, we proudly stated

while He was shamed and raged from above

“How could you do this with My love?”

so today I give Thanks for God’s Graceful Care

His Forgiveness and Mercy is always there

Blessing His children although we rarely see

His Tender Heart and Humaneness Given Fully

Benevolent Compassion His Amazing Way

This is what I’m truly Thankful for today!

The First Rung

there’s always that bit inside of you

who holds a grudge deep down

the one who never really forgives

you make a list of “why’s”

what did they do to you

stabbed your trust

spoke the truth

emptied your heart

crawled over your back

up that enormous ladder to where

you think they don’t deserve to be

you make another list of “why’s”

but don’t forget about Jacob

his ladder was like a DNA strand

he climbed to his own humanity

ascending spiritually one rung

at a time

now make a list of “why”

you wish to remain here

you wish to ruin your soul

to run away from the peace

you would feel you know

it doesn’t matter what they feel

its eating away at you

becoming a cancer

this path you choose

at first in anger

but even then you only hurt you

your peace inside is what matters

it’s not about who wins

you have the wisdom

now step up and live it

step onto that first rung

choose again

for your soul

Being Blossoms

pink pedals on a tiny tricycle
balls and bats strewn about
13 new puppies to find homes for

blossoms in the spring

surprised smile at your first kiss
hands accidentally touch then hold
lambs bounding across a hillside

blossom with innocence

bloom with an unadorned smile
be nearby for the loneliest eyes 
dancing with the flowers on the wall

blossom like sparkling champagne

bowing your head in awareness
realizing the humblest truths
forgiving because it's so simple

blossom with the glow of your beliefs

wear your heart on your sleeve
show the world there's no reason to hide
let your love pour out like Old Faithful

blossoming is teaching with the petals of your soul

Can you come up with one reason to forgive every single person?

When people list off your greatest characteristics….do they include compassion?  Because without it, you probably won’t know how to forgive someone.  Compassion means: benevolence, empathy/sympathy, kindness, Mercy and Grace.  Forgiveness requires these same characteristics.  Plus one: the ability to Love no matter what.   Like when you forgive a child for breaking your vase, they did wrong, might need a bit of discipline, as in no running in the house or off to your room, and you need love, to let go of your anger.  It’s only an object, not nearly as important as the love you are instilling in your child.

If you treat every person in the same way…they may still hurt your feelings, talk about you behind your back, or even stab you in the back depending on the greed/envy/jealousy that resides inside them;  yet you are the one who will forgive them.  You are the one who will need to be the Adult in the situation, the bigger man/woman, and forgive them their stupidity.  Why?  For your own happiness, and the peace you need to reside in YOUR SOUL.

You may be so angry you want to throw something, or punch someone, but BEFORE you get worked up, think about your own soul first.  Don’t let this thoughtless, selfish person RUIN your soul.  Don’t let them have even ONE piece of your PEACE.  Just DON’T.  It’s really very easy.

People ask me all the time: why are you always so happy?   Which I’m not.  This is a misnomer. lol  But USUALLY I am.  Because there is NOTHING on this planet, short of killing my children, that I could not EASILY forgive.   Why let anything upset you?  This IS life!

Even when my boss hires people over me, passing me up, not even offering me the job, it truly does not bother me, for more than about 10 seconds.   I believe she’s bipolar.  I also believe she’s married, unhappy, etc.  AND even if I know WHAT she’s doing is in SPITE and out of MEANNESS, I don’t let it bother me because I know how awful her life is.  I KNOW I’m a great employee, I work hard, and I know I DESERVE more, but at the same time, if I took that other job, I would then have to deal with her EVERY DAY!!!!  And that is NOT on my list of “things to do for fun”!!!  lol  so instead, I make a RIGHT turn…towards a different job.

So the next time you lose your temper because you THINK someone has just RAINED on your PARADE…..STOP!  Think of ONE single reason this person might have done this……and then realize, it’s no big deal.   LET IT GO!

Your creepy neighbor who looks in your windows as he drives by your house?

He can’t help it, his own father abused him, and it altered his brain.

The moron driving 30 mph. on a country road marked 60 mph., the epitome of Sunday Driver?

An old lady who probably shouldn’t be driving anymore, but this is the only time she gets out of the nursing home.

The thief who breaks your car window to steal your stereo.

His father got him addicted to meth at age 13, and now he must steal to survive.

The big boss of the company who decides that the charity you support is undergraduate students, rather than the local food bank that serves 30,000 people and has just lost its funding.

He was raised to believe in trickle down economics.

The church leader who was caught embezzling to support his mistress.

Was raised by a mother who whipped him until he behaved.

The list is ENDLESS folks, EVERYONE HAS A HORRIBLE event, or past, or childhood!   NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE!!! as the song goes. lol

NO ONE has had it GOOD!  You may think they did, or do, because at THIS MOMENT they live in a nice house, with a nice car, and have a nice wife and 2 kids and a dog…….BUT THEY ALSO HAVE a huge mortgage, works at a job they HATE, the wife who is chronically depressed, one child is deaf, the dog pee’s on the floor…..WHATEVER!!!  lol

JUST stop…..before you lose it….and IMAGINE ONE THING that could possibly have made this person hurt you.  THEN LET IT GO!

YOU TOO could be going through life smiling, enjoying it, each MOMENT…. I don’t understand HOW people miss this.  It’s SO EASY!

I GUESS I AM JUST SIMPLE MINDED!!!   LOL

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY PEOPLE!  MAY YHVH BLESS YOU ALL!

He Was There.

When Jake was just 20 years old, he was the proud father of a son, Jeremiah.  For three glorious months, his girlfriend Tammy and he had been living the dream.  Tammy had gotten pregnant accidentally, but they were living together, working and would try their hardest to make a life together.  They were in love, neither wanted to get married yet.  But then life struck, hard.  Tammy was killed in a car accident.  Jake wanted to die.  He was devastated for the first time in his life, and probably never again would he feel this kind of pain.

He couldn’t afford the apartment anymore, and moved in with his Dad and step-mom, so they could help watch Jeremiah when Jake was at work.  They were more than happy to; but this meant Jake had to have a night job, and then had to take care of Jeremiah during the day.  This left him only about 4 hours sleep a day, and was beginning to wear him out.  Sometimes he slept through the entire weekend, and his Dad would spend the weekend spoiling his first grandson.  But, he was surviving.

His evil step-mother had suggested first abortion, and then later, adoption, which led Jake to believe she was truly a witch.  But his Dad couldn’t be happier, him and Jeremiah were so close, most of the time Jeremiah would scream until PawPaw took him.   Jake thought Jeremiah could sense his fears, and sadness sometimes, and he tried to be upbeat and play with him, rock him, read him stories, all the things a good Dad would do, but Jeremiah still preferred PawPaw in most instances.

Jeremiah was just six months old the morning Jake came home after rear ending a lady in town.  An old woman had pulled into the middle of both lanes of traffic and came to a complete stop in traffic that was cruising along at 45 mph.  Six cars rear ended each other, while the confused old woman finally figured out which direction she needed to take and left.  Luckily the lady Jake hit only damaged his truck, and did nothing to the hitch on her bumper that went through his grill.  He thanked God it didn’t damage his radiator or anything important, but still it bummed him out.  He would have to replace the grill and rig one of the lights so it wouldn’t fall out, and replace the trim.   The lady was so nice she didn’t even mention him in her report to the cops, and told him to leave, since he didn’t damage her car.  At least he wouldn’t have to pay a ticket, too.

He walked in the house, it was quiet.  His step-mom was sleeping in the recliner with the morning paper in her lap.  He didn’t want to wake her, because he didn’t want to have to talk to her, so he snuck by and went to get a shower.  He looked at Jeremiah sleeping, the one time he was a complete Angel, and tiptoed back out of the room.  Then jumped in the shower.  His disappointment hunched his 6′ frame into a ‘c’ shape.  He let the water fall along with his tears, letting out a depression that threatened to take over.   He finally sat down in the tub, and let the grief and pain and anger wash away.  The water finally began to get cold, so he stood back up and turned it off and got out.  His face was not his own, as he looked in the mirror.  Dark circles around his eyes, a giant crease like an exclamation point between his brows, and his frown sectioning off his chin.

He stared at himself and thought, I don’t think I can do this God.  It’s killing me.  I don’t sleep, I can’t do this without Tammy.  It’s just too fucking much!  Dad would be crushed if I gave Jeremiah up for adoption now.  It would break his heart.  God, help me, but I just can’t do it anymore.

He dried off, threw on a towel and head to his room, quietly dressing in his sweats and t-shirt.  He quietly lay down, hoping desperately for a few hours sleep.  His step-mom had fed Jeremiah his bottle at 6, so he was hoping to get a nap until about 9 or maybe 10.  He still felt like crying, but berated himself for being such a sissy instead.

It was a long day, and at 9 p.m. he was finally able to get another nap, before leaving for work at 10:30.  His Dad woke him back up, so he wouldn’t wake the baby with an alarm clock, and he stumbled off to work.

Another long day stocking food at the grocery store down town, and he left more tired and depressed than when he had arrived.  He didn’t bother with a shower, just fell into bed and fell asleep before he finishing praying that God would please let him sleep.

He woke up before Jeremiah, why he didn’t know, but he got up anyway to go relieve himself.  Then he sat in the rocking chair in the living room, just swaying back and forth, knowing Jeremiah would wake up any time now; no reason to go back to bed.  He watched the birds through the sliding glass doors that led to the back deck.  There were 10 different bird feeders out there, that attracted hundreds of birds each day.  Mostly hummingbirds that he liked the most.  If he sat outside very still for about 10 minutes, the hummingbirds would come back, darting around him, still feeding.  Then he would slowly raise his arm, with his finger pointed out right below one of the feeders, and the birds would perch on his finger to feed.  It made him smile, their tiny little claw’s holding on, sometimes they would walk his finger a bit, too.  Walk to the end of his hand and sit on his knuckle and stare him in the eye.  Then they’d just go back and eat some more.  It was cool.

Today, he just rocked, and thought, God, I’m done.  I’m so sorry.  I can’t do this.  I hate life.  There is no life without Tammy.  And my Dad would adopt Jeremiah immediately, and raise him.  I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t.  I just want to be with … Tammy again.  I love Jeremiah, but he’s better off without me.  Really, God, he loves my Dad more, and my Dad would take great care of him.  I just can’t.

He had no idea why he felt so utterly devastated, not knowing what sleep deprivation really is.  He had no idea his brain was starved for sleep that he had done without for months on end, and was not thinking straight.  Instead he was going on only the obligation and determination to keep getting up each day and move.  His brain was shutting down, he was crushed inside, and the two together were pushing him towards the cliff.

He put his hands together, and prayed, “God please take care of Jeremiah.  I know you will, but I just had to ask.  Be with my Dad, he’s gonna be seriously pissed and… sad.  But I can’t do this anymore.  I’m done.  Thank you for everything, and forgive me for what I’m about to do.”

He got up and went into the bathroom, and in his crazed mind, took an entire bottle of Advil.  He thought, Hey, no pain, no gain! Ha!

It took a few minutes to wash them all down, but the bottle said it had 200 tablets, minus a few that had been used already, but he still figured this should be enough.  Then he walked back out into the living room and sat down to wait.

He hoped it wouldn’t take long for his kidneys to shut down, and hoped the Advil kept the pain from being too bad.

Jake sat there, reminiscing about the few great times he had with Tammy and the baby, when they first brought him home.  They had fought over who got up to get him, all the time, but it was because they both wanted to do it.  They would sit for hours just watching him, and talking about their future.  They were fascinated by all the things he was learning, that they didn’t know they were teaching him.  He had started saying Ma Ma at 3 months, like two days before Tammy died.  She was so freaking happy that day.  She had called him screaming and crying, and so blatantly happy she couldn’t stop either.  He was so glad she had that day.

It hadn’t really bothered him much that Jeremia didn’t call him Da Da, and had instead learned to say PawPaw.  He knew it was because they were together so much, and because his Dad constantly bombarded him with it, until he did, and he was glad now for that.

Nothing was happening physically to him, which surprised him a bit as he got a cup of coffee from the morning pot and sat back down to rock.

He was almost done with his coffee when Jeremiah began making noises that he was awake.  Jake could hear him rolling around, banging the bed rails, and squeaking his stuffed rabbit.  Jake got up to get another cup of coffee, and nuked a bottle of formula.  Then took both back and sat down to wait a few, enjoying his last cup of coffee, he thought.  He sat there thinking about the friends he would miss, and the ones who would make fun of him committing suicide.  He knew a few would, call him a quitter, but he didn’t care.  He thought more about the hope of seeing Tammy again, and maybe his Mom.  Both were there, watching over him, but he had no idea they were.  He wondered if committing suicide would actually stop him from getting into Heaven, because he knew the commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill, was a pretty serious one.  He also believed it applied to oneself.  But, it didn’t stop him.  He hoped he would see Tammy, but he didn’t care enough at this point about his soul.  He was just so tired.  So very fucking tired.

Jeremiah started winding up, so he set down his cup and got up to go get him.  He picked him up, smiling hugely, and Jeremiah smiled back.  Jake had been rocking him while feeding him his bottle, when the bottle tipped out of his mouth, and Jeremiah looked up at his Daddy and said, “Da Da.” for the first time.  Jeremia smiled and said,

“Yes, I’m Da Da.”  Jeremiah answered back,

“Da Da Da Da Da,” and giggled.

Jake started to cry.  The tears rolled down his face without him making a sound, he just couldn’t stop them.  He thought, Oh, dear God, what have I done?  Now… NOW he calls me Dad. 

Jake picked him up, to burp him, and as he patted him on the back, it occurred to him that little Jeremiah would grow up without either of his parents.  How horrible would that be?  He knew, he had grown up without his own mother, and it had been very hard.  But to grow up without either parent, seemed just incredibly mean and selfish to him.  He began to berate himself again, for not being the person he thought he should be.  But it was too late.  He had already taken the pills.

His heart was weeping, he so longed for Tammy, yet a part of him was for the first time ever seeing life through his son’s eyes.  How can I do that to my own son?  How can I leave him in this harsh hard ass world, without either parent.  And with the witch taking over, to boot.  God, what a jerk.  I’m an asshole.  I can’t do that to him.  I CAN’T!

It finally occurred to him to ask God for help.  He didn’t really think it would help, he didn’t have a whole lot of faith.  But he had been raised going to church and he thought God always said he’d forgive and love us no matter what we did.  So he prayed.

“Lord, first off, forgive me.  I’m a wuss.  I’m worn out, I miss Tammy so fucking much, but I shouldn’t have taken those pills.  Now Jeremiah will have no one, but my Dad.  He will grow up thinking I was a wuss, and left him to be alone.  Please God, I will try harder to be a better Dad, I will give it my all, if you don’t let me O.D.  I’m so sorry, I can’t think straight, I’m so tired.  So, please just forgive me, and let this all be over.  Amen.”

Jeremiah burped finally, so he put him on his lap, sitting up, and facing the windows so he could watch the birds.  He squealed every time one hovered in front of the windows, and this would keep him happy for at least 10 minutes.   Then its diaper time, and maybe a walk in the stroller.

He didn’t have to go to work that night, they were doing inventory, so he played with his son until his nap time and took a nap too, lying on the living room floor on blankets, his arm draped over his son.  When his Dad came home from work later that day, they were playing with blocks, building a future, and Jake was just fine.

Unbroken Halo

1blog

Unbroken Halo

1-3-13

He walks a forsaken bitter road, His family not a bit concerned, He’s made many a mistake to date,

~

Not conscious of his rejected fate.

 

Always trying too hard it seems, Turmoil appears in shambles again, He waits and watches hoping against hope,

~

Clinging to the fray of his rope.

 

Each time he comes back this way, Inward simply a survival mode, Thoughts screaming incessantly,

~

spirit and hope rising pleasantly.

 

They stagger their backs to scorn as one, The stern of a ship waving adrift, Shriveling up like an old piece of moss,

~

Unbroken halo of distant loss.

 

Rarely showing the pain he carries, It’s why he followed the path he took, Shreds were bundled in a flurry,

~

The best he could find in a hurry.

 

Backing up into an empty hole, Tears ache as he waves to his soul, Smiling a grimace he nods anyway,

~

His family no family again today.

Surfing My Agony

Surfing My Agony

11-10-12

I inhale deeply as the tide crashes in,

awash in a flood I know I’m drowning,

buffeted by a riptide of remorse.

Pain flows in a current running through my thoughts,

cresting on the edge of insight,

how can I let go, let it sink in, give in to become aware.

Paralyzed by a surge rushing ahead,

thundering pain a levee breaking,

dousing hope it rips apart the memories.

Regret rolls in surfing my agony,

I can’t breach the rising swell,

grief now steeping in a visceral eddy.

Breaking against the reef, it begins to calm,

my arms lifted whitecaps, knees bent below,

begging for release, splashed with pity.

Whipped into a foam of ballast,

my screams echo back a forgiven wave,

drenched in mercy my tears drained,

a wretched moment redeemed.