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Weekly Photo Challenge: Fun!

This photo just cracked me up and made my day!

The Emergency Exit you can waltz around and the sign across the street that says “Dip”, were just too much for me to take.

I’m assuming it applies to the idiot who installed this gate.

Notice the signs on the left that say Peligro and Danger… of what?

My only thought was it must be a gate to Hell! 

If you read it “emergency…exit only”, it qualifies!

blog2

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/fun/

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So… Congrats to me!

anniversary for blog, started in 2012

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR 4 GREAT YEARS!

Evidently March of 2012 I started this blog, and have managed to keep it going for 4 years! Congrats to ME! lol You have to understand, being ADHD, this is quite the feat. I normally last about 2 years doing anything, before I’m bored and move on. This includes any type of exercise, sex, work, or play I get involved in. I’m not joking in the least, most of life has come and gone for me. I’ve lived in 10 different states, and only plan on leaving here… for Alaska… but still haven’t talked my self into that one… it would be a one way trip, I’m sure. lol  I’ve had so many different types of employment, from military to factory worker to secretary to field geologist, security officer…hahaha… to property manager, postal worker…eeeek….and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my pointy head… good Lord!… not counting motherhood of course… and I can’t remember how many there are… at least 20 or some awful amount I‘m sure.  My running record is 3 years max at any one job. Well, other than writing, of course. I mean a job that pays!

And you know what, I could care less that I don’t have a huge pension coming from some company I slaved at for 30 years… doing the same damn thing over and over and over again….by now I would have blown my head off! Jumped off a tall building, something… to bring life into me. ha!  I say congrats to all of you who have managed to do this… I wish you luck… and a happy retirement.  But for me… I LIVE FOR TODAY BABY!

I spend all my extra money on playing, because saving more than $5000 is ridiculous in my book. Money is always losing value, you can’t trust the stock market, or bonds even… so I say “have a blast”!

Anyway, sorry, got distracted there…hahaha I said ADHD!!!

So, managing to keep this blog up and running… well, I have to say… I owe it all to you! All of YOU!!! out there, who comment sincerely, I love you all!!

I also thank GOD, YHVH, The One and Only, for inspiring me to start it, and gives me the words when I ask. He gives me ALL my poetry for Him, even helps me write other stories, He inspires my stained glass, and steadies my hand for photography, but mostly… HE GIVES ME PEACE AND JOY!!!  Like nothing else I’ve ever found.

You ALL make my day! You give me inspiration! and you give me FRIENDSHIP I can’t find anywhere else!

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR 4 GREAT YEARS!!!!

Another day… another try.

8

A gentleman walks by me, pleasant as pie, smiles and says “Mornin’”. The green dress clashes terribly a in huge fashion faux pas by partnering it with dirty brown Muck Lucks; white tube socks rolled to the knee cap. He’s a regular, and likes to chat a bit. One hand gently pressed against his lower lip as he waits for my response. Today his nails are black, but only a misshaped swampy island in the center of each.

“How’s it going?” My smile stiffens as I realize what I just said. To me, that’s like saying “hello”. With friends, it’s a real question, but acquaintances, not so much. It’s habit. I wish I was hiding under one. Tonight I’m tired. Didn’t get even an hours’ sleep. My back hurts. I’m just not in a good mood.

I try to lighten lives every day, thinking by sharing one tiny personal bit of info with another person, it shows they are not alone. I’ve done this my entire life, ever since a friend of mine died when we were young. It ended up being a freak accident. But suicide had been a topic we were all interested in at the time, I can’t remember why, but maybe it was just our age. My friend had written something and it grew into my roots. “If just one person had acted like I mattered, anyone, I wouldn’t have done it.”

Sitting on her bed, as I read her diary, she’d written a suicide note just weeks before, getting ready. She’d changed her mind; I never new why, but she didn’t do it. Just the idea of it, hurt my soul. I thought her life was fine. I also thought I was her friend, her good friend. Yet I had no idea she was contemplating suicide. I’d heard her say many times, that she felt alone in school, at home, even when she was out with friends. She felt apart, somehow. We always seemed to have fun, to me.

It stayed with me, became part of me, became a first response for me. I’ve always joked with people, strangers, friends… always. I love to laugh. And for the most part, I take the time to listen to people, even when they’re ranting, because everyone needs to be heard.

So the gentleman smirks, and launches into his latest problem; he needs a new razor blade for his electric razor, which I know instantly we only carry the cheap plastic emergency kind in the store. His full beard is at least an inch long, so I grin and say, “Well, I guess you’ll just have to become a Quaker.”

His giggle becomes a twitter and I try to make my escape. Three more times he comes to the counter and pulls out the hair and grease filled razor, showing me the old blade, in the hopes that new ones will magically appear. Each time my skin crawls at the nasty wad of pubes still stuck inside.

His last trip to the counter was timed to coincide with an empty store. Razor now back in the bag over his wrist, he says to me, “I want you to know I appreciate the fact that I never get the “judgy” tone from you. You talk to me like I’m “normal”. I just wanted to say thanks.” He was blushing a lovely shade of apricot, his eyes sparkled in the bright light.

I said, “The day I become perfect, is the day I will judge you. And you are normal. You are more normal than a lot of people I know.” For someone who was almost six feet tall, he ducked his head down so low I couldn’t see his eyes any longer, but his hand darted out and squeezed mine quickly before he left the store at a run.

I smiled, feeling good for a moment, and thought, “Now, how will I break it to him that the Muck Luck’s make him look like Grandma Eskimo!”

Another day… another try.

Thanks wordpress!

spider and flies and house

Have you all noticed… actually registered in your mind… how as you stroll through the myriad of others’ blogs, absorbing their takes on life and what is happening in their lives…. that your brain is triggered into inspiration???

I find being on wordpress has literally expanded not only my knowledge of events and life around the globe… but I am inspired daily by you all!!! New ideas come flooding into my mind as I read through everyone else’s blogs. It is making me a better writer!!

I think maybe for just a second or two … we should all stop what we’re doing… and think about life before the internet… as writers; were you all writing daily, in your own way… or were the dreams of writing hidden behind the rest of your life?

Until one day… bamm…. you discover wordpress… and began for the first time to really express your inner thoughts and desires… to have a voice… even if only one other person hears it…

I truly believe that the internet is bringing us closer as a global species… yet farther away as a family. We spend hours glued to laptops reading and watching others living life… missing out on moments with the lives in the next room… to draw closer to the world as a whole.

Maybe a hundred years from now, if we haven’t blown ourselves to bits, we can look back and say… this saved the planet. This… communication on a mass scale from every corner or round spot on the planet to every dip and dimple. Surely now… we will realize how we are all the same… all human… all hurt… all need love…

But I love being inspired with new ideas each day, even if I don’t have time to write about them.

So THANKS WORDPRESS… well done! and thanks to all the other writers, artists, photographers, and crazy people who inspire us all!

🙂

This is what happens…

like Mother, like sons

… when you raise your children on TV. My eldest, the big mouth on the right, and two of my adopted sons and I went to the road show version of the Price is Right this last week. It started around 7:30; we were hammered by 6. I should clarify that… I was hammered by 6. I was the lightweight in this group of 30ish wild young men, who are all single… amazingly enough, and laughed their asses off when they realized I was gone by my third drink.

We had a blast though, me and my boys, well three or four were missing, but we still entertained ourselves and many others, who actually LOVED our SAVE THE BOOBIE’S HOT PINK FOR BREAST CANCER AWARENESS OCTOBER…T-shirts… with THE PRICE IS RIGHT on the front! Still, none of us made it to the wheel, which nearly made my oldest cry!

He so wanted to play the Mountain Climber game so he could yodel! goofballs!

me and me boys

….ending the night like this….

 brandon at price is right

Sprinkles

sprinkles dancing

splatters of life

where will they hit

absorbed in dirt

the top of my head

burst on the window

a million to one

the same odds

you will be eaten

by a great white shark

or hit by lightning

have a baby in a cab

or die by a falling piano

sprinkles that normally

beat up the flowers

danced and slid

across my view

the flowers arched up

embracing the rain

but their love

wasn’t returned today

they barely received a peck

and I was hit by three

three single drops of rain

maybe four

I lost count

as I spun in joy

halfway around

Oozing

3

 

lying around… barely moving

they ooze from the chair

like lava… puddling on the floor

the never ending fur left behind in matted wads

the only sign they were ever there

these long extinct imitations

of the Kit Species

known commonly as

Pantheralazyassikins

teeheehee

4 

the Elk tiptoed through the Mole condo complex

passing up the greatest opportunity

a Mormon ever laid eyes on

(teeheehee)

Disdain

11

do not flash that bulb in my eyes again

do not force me to puke on you

do not tell me to smile

do not tsk tsk at me

do not turn away from me

do not tell him he is so cute

do not compare any of them to me

do not forget who is your boo

do not be mistaken

I have a hairball with your name on it

and I have to pee

WOOT WOOT

72,000 words in 20 days!!!  I killed it this year! Had my 50,000 in under two weeks!!!

Of course I was home sick for two weeks, so I had plenty of time to write!!

This next novel is called “A Hot Mess of Murder”!!!  lol and is a comedy of errors!!

Now to spend the next few MONTHS editing and re-writing it into a GOOD novel will

be the HARD part!!! Plus I need a cover photo…. maybe of a crazy woman riding

haphazardly through town on a horse…. or something similar…. don’t have a clue

where I’m gonna find that!   IF ANYONE has a graphic of that…. get in touch with

me ASAP!!  Might even use a drawing of some type…..   🙂

Flight

upside down heart

 

testing patience

standing on a precipice

laces untied

chores long forgotten

as another sigh escapes

 

while their imagination

takes hold

takes flight

dancing on a breeze

filled with innocence

and all you see is jumping off a counter

Wanderlust of a Doodad

Reposting for a friend’s amusement!

 

Wanderlust of a Doodad

9-28-12

 

He hated being next to the cheese grater,

it scratched up the beautiful Saturn ring he wore,

so in anger one day he sliced cracks along his sides,

and rolled himself to the other side of the drawer.

The wine opener jumped back having a stroke,

and accidentally poked a hole in the spoon,

who whined terribly day and night,

with a dribble, she knew she was ruined.

The cheese grater scratched at his gashes,

he was no longer greater than a knife,

now he had huge tainted clefts,

how would he be able to find a wife?

The garlic press pulled out his camera,

pointed it at the grater and said, “say cheese.”

then posted it on eHarmony and YouTube,

searching for a lady the grater would please.

The dinner knives took a closer look,

along with a butcher knife and hatchet,

all agreed the grater looked sketchy now,

and said, “cruise the auto drawer for a ratchet.”

But the grater didn’t give up on love,

he widened his space in the crowded drawer,

scratching the shiny ice cream scoop, too,

knocking the chopsticks onto the floor.

The ice cream scooper stared coldly,

dragging over others as he moved in a crawl,

exciting the now happy cork screw,

with the hardness of his ball.

Sounding like a throbbing number,

the chopsticks were beating themselves midday,

just as a scraping noise was heard,

clearly, up a few drawers, that day.

Slowly but surely with a scrape, scrape, scrape, pull,

a voluptuous figure was heading their way,

buxom and black with a shiny new head,

snatching at the wood, she made her way.

She reached the drawer and stood up proud,

showing off her curved grippy handle,

while the strainer flipped upside down,

and the matches lit a birthday candle.

She was made for the big square grater,

even the pizza slicer did a wheeler,

the grater fell in love instantly on sight,

with the curvascious carrot peeler.

a flick

HPIM0961.JPG

 

touching my soul with just a flick

breathing a windswept caress

feeling the cool whisper of hope

as I touch my toe in a blue river

slipping at the last moment

moss laughing at my grip

choice no longer matters

of grace I appear to have none

as I flail forward not unwilling

yet baptized in a chilled scream

Reality vs. Riding the Train

When they say “Leave the driving to us,” they intentionally leave out the rest. Or maybe that’s the catchy phrase for the Greyhound bus service, not sure, but it fits nicely to the Amtrak train ride from hell. I can completely relate to the old term, “Hell on wheels.” 

I listen to a guitar picker playing “Yes, we have no bananas,” at least 15 times, I lost count after 9. I can’t sit in my seat any longer, the perfume thick as thieves is choking me. So I’m stuck hanging out in the dining car after the bar closed the first night. Hungry, sober, tired and bored, book finished… now what? I plug in my laptop and play Spider Solitaire ‘til my eyes meet the Jack’s, only stopping when I begin to have feelings for him.

Another hour or so until the next cigarette stop. This is where we stop in some deserted town, everyone scrambles outside, to stand in the cold foggy mist at least 30 paces from the doors. I don’t know where, don’t care, just stop…please let me out.

This was only the beginning of the 36 hours of almost continual hell punctuated by two hours of humor and 34 hours of nasty smells. The re-circulated air of 200 people should be illegal. I can’t get comfortable, seats are straight up church pews, for the money I paid to let them drive for me, they should be Lazy-boy recliners.

Fast forward 6 hours and the conductor says over the intercom, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but the dining car bathroom is plugged up,” to which I leave the dining car area and head for the other end of the mile long train. The aroma wafting throughout chases me mercilessly and could kill a bull elephant.

3 minute cigarette break in the middle of Los Angeles, aaah… fresh air.

I purchase a bottle of water for a mere $3.50, then contemplate the same amount for a bag of chips, or $9.00 for a slimy Italian sandwich from a vending machine. I choose the sandwich, much to my dismay. The sideways rocking of the train makes me want to hurl said sandwich within minutes of finishing it.

The view out the window of Honey Boo-Boo houses on one side, or cardboard condominiums and rotting sofa’s upside down for shelter on the other, has me saying a quick prayer to God that we don’t break down. I realize a lot of America is being left behind and ignored.

The sun finally comes up and I watch the poor Mexicans bent over in the fields, picking corn rows of chard and kale for one last paycheck of a whopping $25.00 for a week’s worth of back breaking work in the hot baking sun, and think about how they must be taking all the jobs from hard working Americans before they dare to be added to the welfare line for winter. How dare they do work we, Americans, would never once consider doing. We need to build a taller wall! (That was pure sarcasm in case you didn’t pick up on that!)

I strike up a conversation with a teenage boy who says, “This is nothing like in the movies!” Really? Does he honestly believe life is ever like it is in movies? We need to teach our children better than this, as I watch him dreaming of the cute girl 2 rows up: where’s the magic, he wonders?

I wonder too, until night has come again and I’m getting drunk in the bar car. This hot guy, at least 20 years younger than I am, slides in next to me in my booth and starts groping me. He obviously has a thing for wrinkles… from head to toe. Tells me he wants to rendezvous in the bathroom, right before I accidently spill my drink in his crotch. Damn, now I have to go buy another $10.00 watered down drink. But at least he sets sail for some other hot grandmother.

I end up sitting across from this crazy homeless looking dude, who keeps offering me his peanut butter sandwiches. I realize after 8 more hours, he’s totally cool, even if he is a bit smelly, so I keep to my side of the booth. He is homeless on purpose and is a traveling Minister for his church. He walked from Seattle to San Diego before and is planning on walking back this trip. He spends his time living in a tent and trying to help the homeless find God. We spend hours in the dining car, while he plays beautiful Christian songs on his guitar, which seems to be pretty common on train rides. We get to know each other, talk about everything from God to my adorable sandals, which I stupidly wore not realizing it would still be cold in California in December. Silly me, as my toes are now hypothermic; I thought I was going to hit the beach and catch a tan. I totally forgot I was not in Hawaii when I packed. Also forgot a blanket, a pillow and head phones for my laptop. Not to mention my swimmers nose plug! That would’ve come in handy!

My advice to you, use the same $500.00 you end up spending on the train and fly! Not only do you get back 30 hours of your life, but you might get a friendly pat down and probe from the NSA! All of which would be better than riding the Amtrak!

Whatever it takes!

mornings like this

with clear blue skies

makes tears eek

from my thankful eyes

my only prayer

on this new day

is God don’t let them

continue to spray

clog up their pipes

ground those planes

give the pilots diarrhea

or flu like pains

whatever it takes

their killing us all

I love and trust you God

don’t drop the ball!

lmao

Daily Prompt: Let’s Dance

What are your earliest and fondest memories of dance?

country bumpkins 1

(from left to right, Kim, David, Mark, Kevin, Doug, Kendon, Me toothless & Kris; we are lined up via height, not age, I was the baby and was 6, I think, my oldest brother was 13)

Born and raised in Indiana, some of my earliest memories of dance were not so fond because we were forced into servitude by our Mother, who only had good intentions at heart, but had no qualms about humiliating us repeatedly. The bib-overalls and flannel shirts helped immensely.  We were the Country Bumpkins, and oh how we were, who square danced together and went around to various Nursing Homes and square danced for the elderly and their total amusement. Sometimes they joined in with us, which brought huge smiles to their faces, and cheered them up in a long lonely dreary life, but mostly they just clapped and laughed at us… we were sure it was not with us, for even if we crashed into each other and giggled, it was more due to embarrassment than anything else.

This was one way my Mother made some extra money so that she could save it up for a one time only family vacation we took soon after. I remember distinctly how we all hated the trip, even though we drove in our huge van from Indiana to the East Coast. We saw every single war monument and cemetery and little house on the prairie between, and were bored out of our ever loving minds.  The only highlights were when we got to stay in a hotel each night that had a swimming pool, something Mom made sure of, to release all that pent up boredom. We also ate in fancy restaurants each night, right up until the last time, when we were finally at the East Coast. Blasting into this fancy restaurant all the boys ordered Lobster and us girls got the King Crab legs, (I think) all served on shiny silver platters. Almost done with our dinner, and bored once again, my wonderful brother Kevin set the table on fire! He knocked over his candle that was heating his butter, and torched the fine linen tablecloths and napkins! It was great! lol I’ll never forget it! We did get to see and swim in the ocean for the first time, and saw several pretty cool monuments, so it wasn’t a total bust, and of course after we torched the fancy restaurant we got to eat at Frisch’s Big Boys, McDonalds and KFC the rest of the trip home…. and never had to dance together again!

frozen

my breathe is like a dragon

if only I could find my lighter

I’d torch this frozen house

and enjoy a nice bonfire

the stove tries to thaw my bits

the electric bill soars higher

at least the hot water works

I can take a scalding shower

all the other pipes are solid

my bathtub is now a luge

have you ever tried to flush

a toilet filled with a huge

frozen chunk of sunshine and

a wad of tp frigid white

it could be a masterpiece

its a wonderful lovely sight

the cats are looking at me

like turn on the freaking heat

but all 4 are snuggled nicely

across my frozen feet

stuck inside too cold to leave

if I had some water to pour

I’d toss it through the house

and skate across my floor

or set up a bowling alley

toss the cats I don’t need

down the hallway towards

wine bottles I’ve emptied

THE best joke ever!

I woke up at 3 am the other morning, laughing my ass off. I had remembered the best joke I ever played on anyone, and was evidently dreaming about it. Sooo, I decided to share it with you all… I must warn you in advance, for all my delicate readers, this has many expletives in it and naughty language, so read at your own risk!!

About 30 years ago, I, Yes I, was in the US Military. I was a peon. Only out of boot camp for maybe 6 months or so, and terribly disappointed with my duty station. I ended up in the armpit of the world, Pascagoula Mississippi! It not only looked and smelled like an armpit, it made you sweat like one, too.

So I was dating a guy, another squid, as I was in the Navy, and he was stationed on the USS Briscoe, #66, I think, maybe #69, it’s been a long time and I can’t remember. This was a ship in port at the time due to repairs or resupplying or some such nonsense. I had been turned down by my oh so sexist asshole of a CO for every school I had applied to go to, since they were kind enough to ignore their “contract” that I signed upon enlisting, and I had been turned into Shore Patrol at a duty station with no fucking shore. It was a a swamp. We even had a ‘lake’ out back with our very own resident crocodile so we couldn’t even go for a decent swim. We were a tiny lil base next door to Litton Shipbuilding; in case you’ve don’t remember this famous company, they managed to sell toilet seats for $2000.00 and hammers for $1000.00 to the US Navy, because the bean counters were off swimming in a real pool, or counting how many beans they could shove up their asses or else getting laid. Either way, it was a lousy duty station, to say the least.

But I found the man of my dreams no less, and we had started dating to kill time, and did so just about every night of the week. Most of the time this involved getting drunk in the base bar, playing Galactica on the computer tables we sat at, and I am proud to say I managed to turn the counter over, after reaching over 999,999 points one night and became the Queen. Therefore if I’m ever in space, watch out Chewbacca, I will shoot your ass right out of the sky!

So before I go on, I have to explain that not only was I Shore Patrol, which is like a cop in the military, as some of you may remember I was also a Marksman, a killer shot, and since I refused to become a sniper in boot camp, the Navy thought it was proper to send me to hell for my disobedience. Anyway, while working I had cause to meet many other ‘real’ Police Officers for the city, one of which was a true southern Gal named Officer Betty Jo Baldwin. Now Betty Jo had a serious thick southern accent, had hair piled up like a turban on her head, and was a bit chunky.  None of which would stop her from strutting in and hitting on anything she deemed ‘sweet as punkin pie!’ A typical sentence uttered by Miss Betty Jo went something like this: Heya suga, wats rumplin yo fly, sumptin Eye kin hep ya wit, sweet p’tata pie?” Or something along those lines. You get the gist.

So me being the smart ass I have always been, I used to love talking to her, but more importantly I loved to imitate her. I practiced it, like daily. Not to mention I had used a few of her lines to boot, just to jerk the seamen around that I had to put up with daily.

So there’s the background… here comes the best joke ever…. teehee

My man decided one night that since I had to work until around 9pm, that he would go ahead on to the party that was being had down near the beach at a locals house. He was supposed to come get me after I got off work, so I could join in the fun….which became his first mistake. He blew me off like a $5.00 stripper. As I waited … and waited … for said boyfriend to come get me, after I got all dolled up, which is NOT something I like to do … I happened to mosey down to the quarter deck and listen into the night watch’ radio and what do I hear coming over the radio… but this:

The police are called to a water tower, where 3 drunk sailors have climbed up to tag it, with the giant ass letters “USS Briscoe #66!  The fire department had to be called because one of the idiots was afraid of heights, and the other 2 drunks couldn’t get him down. They had to have the bucket truck come and be raised up, because he was freaking out and wouldn’t even let them carry him down their normal ladder.

Well, as you can imagine, me being the wise woman I am, I knew instantly that this was why I was being stood up. Of course by the next morning, everyone had heard, and my lame ass boyfriend called to tell me all about it, NOT apologizing, NOT even once, only calling to explain that was why he didn’t show up… because his buddy was a moron and they all got thrown in jail for the night.

This just didn’t sit well with me, to say the least. I had waited until 12pm or so, before giving up and going to bed. And to top it off, EVERYONE had seen me waiting, and waiting, all dressed up and no where to go.  I was a tad bit hot. Not hot looking… pissed off!

So the next night while on duty again, I put my revenge into action, and along with another gal I worked with, we devised the ultimate revenge.

My boyfriend was a radioman, who monitored all calls incoming and outgoing on his ship; and one other fact you may not know about the military, is you may NEVER leave your station while on duty! War, hurricane or even crocodile attack was not a good enough reason, and if you did you would be thrown into the brig, or G.I. Joe Jail, no questions asked.

So wiseass that I am, I call up the radio tower, imitating my friend Betty Jo Baldwin to a tee, and say this:

“I need to speak to Petty Officer..Smith (for our purposes), this is Betty Jo Baldwin with the Sherriff’s department!” (Keep in mind that impersonating a police officer is totally illegal!)  So my boyfriend comes on the line, and I go on, saying, “This is Betty Jo Baldwin with the Sherriff’s department, and sir, we need you to come down to the station as soon as possible.  You need to sign a waiver that states you committed this horrifying act of destroying public property, and sir, If you are willing to admit to this heinous crime and promise to pay any and all fees associated with repainting the water tower, we will refrain from notifying your Captain of said crime!”

Well, while holding back several snickers, me and my girlfriend are busting at the seams, and he says, “No problem, I’ll be right there!” and hangs up! HANGS UP!

Now you also have to understand, 30 years ago we did NOT have cell phones, so I could NOT call him back quick enough. He was gone! Like Lightning! Out the door, illegally leaving his duty station to race to the Sherriff’s office to sign this make believe admission of guilt!

Meanwhile, I am torn between laughing my ass off, and worrying about going to jail myself, and worrying about him being sent to the brig, or getting kicked out of the Navy even. I finally settle on laughing my ass off, tears pouring from my eyes, and call back to tell the guys in the radio room what just happened, much to their delight also, but being his mates and all, they cover his ass.

He evidently drove there, running red lights and all, and much to his humiliation found out there was no such admission form, and that there was no female officer who worked for the Sherriff’s department at the time, so he flew back to the ship with the hounds of hell on his heels.

His mates don’t give him the good news when he gets back, but they are rolling on the floor I am sure, because I can hear them losing it in the background when he finally gets back and I am waiting on the phone once again to tell him the truth.

He comes on the line and says, “Oh my God, babe, you’re never gonna believe what just happened?”

I let him explain it all, including his heart-stopping fear of his Captain finding out, not to mention his career killing idea of leaving the ship, while still listening to his mates howling in the background, and him yelling at them through it all, “What?” and “Shut the hell up!”

Then when they quiet down again, he finally says, “Can you believe this shit?” so I calmly say, in the same Betty Jo Baldwin voice…

“Well, suga, maybe you shouldn’t be standin’ up your lil sweet girlfriend to go finger paintin’ on water towers!”

……CLICK!

Kissing Kits

one will let me kiss his nose

but its always cold with dripping snot

he sneezes regularly, something

I gave him in a revengeful plot

across my cheeks vowing love

one will rub his nose to mine

showing his love in the same way

he sits at 4 am with a howling whine

then there’s one who turns his head

away each time I try for a kiss

he’d rather snuggle under my chin

or hide behind the couch for a piss

so that leaves just one who will

out of the devoted Fantastic Four

she loves to lick me after licking her ass

and will soon be headed out the door

(There ya go Doc, the Fantastic Four rise again! lol)

Mouse Tales

Mouse Tales

~~~

the elephant stomped his way around

shaking the earth where he heavily tread

while the trout swam up the stream all day

to goose the ducks while they ate bread

then the geese waddled back and forth

happy to be nipped in the bud by a fish

startling Maurie the housekeeping mouse

until he ran away from home on a wish

to see the world via the desert route

chasing the elephant until he clearly forgot

he could be happy again if only he blew

a loud trumpet with a trunkfull of snot

blowing the mouse back across the desert

back to that fateful lake house and his mop

sopping up gnarly goose poop all day was

better than wearing giant boogers on top

kissing frogs

Kissing Frogs

9-29-13

 

a princess walked along a lonely road

and out popped a big hairy fat toad

knowing the tale hoping for a prince

she stopped and sat on a sturdy fence

picking him up she looked into his eye

and said ‘no one wins who doesn’t try’

he said kindly ‘hello, my lady so fair’

so she kissed him in the part of his hair

he turned into a pig way too fat

shocked he was so back he sat

picking poo from between his toes

from wallowing in his muddy woes

he said, ‘well, that just wasn’t nice’

so she kissed him on his nose now twice

but now he changed into a furry bear

standing up he clawed at the air

said ‘that’s better, but now I stink

like I rolled in death, you stupid dink’

so she frowned at his unhappy scowl

and kissed him once more on his brow

and this time he became a smelly fart

and dissipated faster than a dart

 

😉

keeping me happy

peace in the morning

at first sight

hearing birds singing

in the morning light

peace in the afternoon

with the rosy glow

of no contempt

or angry show

peace in the evening

as I sit and stare

at evil rampant

just about everywhere

peace in my heart

no matter my pain

keeping me happy

and reasonably sane

Cooking 101

 

When you have egg on your face… Whip the shit out of those eggs!!

And when old crackers continue to be racist, crush them and make a graham cracker crust!!

So that when life gives you lemons, don’t make sour lemonade… make a lemon meringue pie!!

Then feel free to eat it … or shove it in their faces!!!

hehehe  sorry, I never was a very good cook!

Gold Pans and Old Hams

9-10-13

 

gold pans and old hams

back bent over for hours

bending over a stream

cackling at a crazy dream

burning with a mad desire

a bit feverishly wild

feet numb and grinnin’

much like a snotnose child

‘I feel it’s close’

‘I know it’s here’

‘we’re gonna be rich’

‘I need another beer’

hunched over from long years

looking for a little shiny stone

telling jokes and fartin’ around

stinking badly they thrive alone

living deep in the mountains

guarding their secret place

missing teeth replaced in gold

you won’t forget this crinkled face

~~~~

inspired by my crazy gold panning friend Alisa, who we spent the afternoon with panning for gold; and co-wrote with Douglas! 😉

Kids!

One day, Jesus and his 2 little friends, Maggie and Thomas were playing on their roof.   In those days they were like a huge deck, and living in the desert, well you know those Jews, they wanna be able to catch some son.

They were playing around like they were in the WWF and little Maggie got body slammed, then she rolled right off the roof, and then hit her head really hard on a rock and died.

Jesus was like, “Holy Dad”, and then he started swearing, “Me, Me”.

So they climbed down quickly and Thomas began begging Jesus, “Stupid Girl!  If you don’t bring her back, I’ll give you my slingshot and my ASS.”

But Jesus was like, “Don’t be a hata!” or something like that I’m sure. 

So he kneeled down, placed his hand over her heart, and said those 3 Eternally Famous Words that have been Echoed throughout time….

“Tag, you’re it.”

~~~~~~~~~~

🙂  Just a tiny bit of humor to get you all going today!  Not sure if I posted this little story before or not, but have a lovely day!!!

A True Champion

Michael, the warrior, my friend

protecting the lost to no end

watching ever strong and aware

his sword untainted and fair

striking down the dark hearted

ending depravity before started

in one fell swoop of integrity

he guards the weak with severity

forever fighting battles for them

a true champion heroic emblem

honored to be the final right hand

Thank You Michael, you da man!

😉

Daily Prompt: I’d Like to Thank My Cats

1twink chillin

I am so honored to receive this amazing award,

“The Magnificent Meh Award for Outstanding Slavery to Cats.”

Most of all I’d like to thank all 4 of my cats for continually pissing and shitting throughout my house, marking it clearly to frighten off all bears, cougars and dogs. 

Not to mention the piles under my deck, that I will never be able to force myself into crawling through, to get my camera memory card that fell through the deck boards a few days ago.   In case you hadn’t noticed I haven’t been posting any new pictures.  I’ve contemplated inching myself through that disgusting smelling molding minefield, more than once; even tried one of those magnetic poles, but it’s pretty much covered in plastic and won’t stick. 

So thank you so much guys, for reminding me I needed a new card with more memory anyway!  Just wish I could sell your fur to make coats and make you earn that money; I’d even sell your coat while it’s still attached, if I knew someone who made cat-coats!  Or wanted 4 fat lazy good-for-nothing-but-etching-designs-into-my-antique-table-and-laying-down-a-protective-layer-of-fur-so-deep-AIDS-can’t-penetrate-it cats.  In just one night, I can sweep up enough fur to put Donald Trump’s mop to shame.  I could make a fortune, if I only knew someone willing to manufacture cat rugs.

But I digress.  I’d like to thank my Boo (Twinkie) for continually thinking the bathtub is your toilet, at least I can rinse it out.  I’d like to thank lil Miss Sweetheart, for using the stove as her own private port-a-potty, because my drip pans were beginning to rust anyway, and those electric burners were at least 5 years old.  They really needed replaced….twice! 

Oh, and how can I forget sweet loving Romeo, who snuck into my bedroom the other day and in one fail swoop managed to destroy my huge kitchen-aide shelving system, you know the kind that holds all my clothes.  I know, it shouldn’t have been on that wall.  Thanks for making that clear.

And last but never least I’d like to thank lil Misster Kitty for his wonderful pile of shit dumped and hidden for my Monday morning’s greatest joy, waiting in my work cooler.

Thanks guys, you’re the best! And thanks for this amazing award, it really does make it all worth while!!! 

Hide in the Quiet

floating down the great hall

like a jasmine scented breeze

meeting up only to split again

to become one for a time

in a wafting dance of wild smiles

twisting turning curls spinning 

elegantly skirting the floor

an inside spin before an outward lash

swaying for hours together before

they hide in the quiet shadows

becoming close and entangled

entwined in a gently locked grasp

softly touching throughout the night

until they are discovered at dawn

by the lonely jealous broom

😉

LORD…Give Me Strength!

Lord, give me the strength

not to run out and buy

a sniper rifle to scope out all

these idiots who continually lie.

I haven’t the strength myself

to stop this aching desire

to torch their stupid selfish butts

with a sweet little wake up fire.

Hear me now before I leave to go

bless me Lord with your unfailing grace

before I do something I might regret

and shoot them all straight in the face.

I kid you not I need all your help

to stop myself from letting loose

and stringing them all upside down

with a righteous hangman’s noose.

(hehehe)

me and my big mouth!

You know what I like most about my job?  Working with young kids, and daily knowing I can form their ripe little minds like putty.  Now some of you, who are getting to know me, might think to yourself; this is not a good idea! hehe  but every chance I get I teach them compassion for others, calling them out sometimes, when they go too far…embarrassing them in a way that is fun, yet pointedly makes them realize they were a jerk.  I’m pretty blunt, as you all know, and I have no problem putting them in their place!

I keep their interest by joining in their fun, and kidding along with them, surprising them sometimes with things they’ve never heard, and they love to pass it on.  Simple stuff, like the other day, someone was being a smartass and I said, “No shit Sherlock!” and most of them had never heard this before, and they all cracked up.  And yes, I rarely swear in front of them, although most of them swear daily, I try to keep it in check.

I’m teaching them about the environmental issues that concern me, and most of them are getting on line immediately to check out what I say, and send it off to their friends.  They are an incredible network of mouths, when they are interested or excited about something. 

Kids in high-school and just going off to college are so impressionable, even if you think they are ignoring you..they are not.  They have two sets of ears and are listening all the time.  Granted they can text at the same time, which is so annoying to me, but they listen in to conversations around them with half an ear or something, and I’ve been approached later and asked more questions about what I was discussing in a one on one setting.  God forbid they seem unknowledgeable in front of their friends.  But they tend to come around later, for a one on one and I just love it!

I’m also swaying them towards becoming democrats…hahahahaha, take that repubs!  I must be a racist, because I am truly sick and tired of old white men (dems and repubs) running our country into the dirt!  they are a greedy bunch who’ve been around way too many years, and if I had my druthers, I’d fire them all and start over!  Right after we eliminate the need for ANY KIND OF LOBBYIST FUNDING! 

Anyway, I draw ‘em in, when I can!   😉

Then I pick a few kids that don’t seem to fit in, and make a point to talk to them and joke with them also.  It’s funny, but several already scream DEB when I get to work in the morning, and it really makes my day!  Then they come over and we chat, so I try to always draw the outcasts into the mesh at some point.

Although today, I think I failed miserably.  I noticed one kid doing something very unsanitary, and yes for adults this was good that I mentioned it, but I stated that he shouldn’t be doing this, and he looked at me with pure dislike and said, “Today is my last day anyway, I’m going back to live with my Dad.”  so I stood there floored at bit, wanting to say, SO, that’s no reason to be doing what your doing!  but instead I asked him why, and let him tell me.  He seemed kind of sad, like he had to go, and I don’t know if this answer earlier was just bravado or he really disliked his job or the people, or me.  Whatever, I mentioned it to someone else, and while we were chatting, we looked over and he was doing it again.  Which at this point, a lead overheard us and said, “he’s fired.”

I feel so bad, that maybe I got him fired, when maybe he needed this job.  He’s been a problem from day one and walked off the job a few times already.  Said some pretty sexually explicit things to some of the girls.  Talks on his phone instead of working, etc.  All good excuses to fire him, but I still feel like shit.  

So tonight I’ll be praying for forgiveness and for him, and hope maybe at his Dad’s he’ll find a different job that he likes and his Dad will be there for him;  and really hope they didn’t fire him.   me and my big mouth!!  the true bane of my existence!  😉

there was something in the water…

3a

It was a hard long birth,

but his mamma was a ho

so she managed to finally spit him out

although it destroyed her cow toe.

He continually walked in circles and

ran into fences, cows and trees

but you could never sneak up on him

he could see through his dangling wallies.

The other calves would skip and play

and made fun of him each day

rarely letting him play in cow games

thinking ahead, they’d be veal someday.

There was dead cow in their food and

something in the water, the farmer said

right after another calf was born

to the right of her stomach was her head.

So as she grew only a year behind him

they slowly fell forever in love

bonding as they took turns leading

they fit together like a glove.

He heard the farmer say one time

he’d never be able to sell them to anyone

which guaranteed them a long long life

and his lady would soon carry his son.

It seemed like a really hard life

having to lie down all day to eat the grass

but he knew it would be udder perfection

if he could only lick his own ass.

Yum!

6a

curling and twirling each with it’s own spot

with tiny thorns to irritate the slugs and ants

my Spaghetti Squash and its lovely blooms

grow into my dire need for black sweatpants

Good Morning All! Have a great day!

grasshopper hysterical

(grasshopper photo credit to bbbseed.com, Googled.  Hysterical!)


Good Morning!

 

a foot from my foot

he stood standing tall

screaming to be heard

he was still a mite small

he spoke with no voice

calling out on a mission

legs akimbo hip but mellow

absolute he made a decision

ricocheting he now bounced

a bit flighty he soon flew

here and there and everywhere

staging a coup upon my shoe

slowly I sat down gently to wait

as he powered up his knees for me

motionless I sat knowing I’d laugh

if he rocked me with a symphony

a quick thank you…

5

Just a quick thank you to the Ace Hardware Lady who screwed up the paint color for my house!  I am so grateful that instead of fixing it, you decided to hide the actual color by taping over it with a paper towel and tape, saying you were afraid it may leak on my way home.  I asked for “soft butter”, even gave her the card with the numbers for it, yet I’m guessing when they mix a 5 gallon bucket, they need to know how to multiply!

They always point out too, that it will lighten up a lot after it dries.  So of course, I just kept plucking away, finishing it in a day, and hurting for a week.  Now to suffer for at least 3 years, or until I can’t stand it any longer. 

My home is now brighter yellow than this beautiful flower, which was about two shades too bright for my home!  Even with the white trim, making it stand out gloriously like a neon sign, it’s still so shocking it startles me!  I am too damn old to repaint it again, and must live with it for now. 

I must say though, it’s the perfect color for a crazy cat lady!

But hey, one good point, I can see it a mile away in the dark!

So thanks again, hardware employee who needs to find a job they actually care about:  you douche-nozzle!   lmao

forever bored

4

 

Georgie rocked back, her tiny toes pushing with a snap against the porch floorboards. Lilly rocked forward at the same time, while not missing one tiny stitch in her cross-stitch pattern of Jesus. She was filling in His long flowing brown hair. Georgie said,

“When is she going to learn? She’s like a cat trying to mate with a raccoon. Some bodies gonna get eaten, and they aren’t gonna enjoy it!” She cackled at her self, not caring in the slightest if Lilly laughed or not, since it was Lilly’s granddaughter they were discussing. Lilly, ever the polite lady, said,

“He’s gonna send you back, you keep that up. Make you start all over again.” She smiled as she rocked back. Then she asked, “Is Carrie’s husband still cheating on her?”

Georgie didn’t like this subject at all, and waited a beat, to snap her little feet again, and said, “Think I’ll get some lemonade,” then she rocked a few more times before begrudgingly adding, “would you like some too?”

“Of course, that’d be lovely.” Georgie stopped rocking and got up, slowly inching her way to the screen door, head curled down permanently staring at the floor, and went inside to the kitchen.

She often wondered why they had a kitchen, two bedrooms and a living room, but no bathroom to take a nice hot bath in, or anything else for that matter.  They didn’t have a side or back yard either, it was just a foggy empty space, sometimes bright sometimes dark.

The front yard was going slightly wild, but had beautiful flowers all the time, no weeds, and didn’t need water or sunshine to grow; so the ladies spent hours on the front porch that held a swing at one end and the two rocking chairs at the other.

Georgie and Lilly hadn’t seen any of their children or grandchildren yet and were both a bit disappointed they had to spend all this time waiting as old women.  So much for everything being perfect, thought Georgie.  Why couldn’t we be our twenty year old selves? She couldn’t fathom it, unless she had deserved the boredom, due to all the trouble she’d caused.  It was such a letdown, not to be young again, Georgie was a bit sour about it.

They were also bored with each other and Georgie was getting ornerier and ornerier day by day.  Lilly didn’t know how much longer they could put up with each other, but then Lilly knew it would be forever, and sighed to herself as she finished up Jesus’ beautiful locks of hair.

Georgie came out with two glasses of iced lemonade, and as she leaned down to put them on the tiny table that sat between the chairs; bent over so far her head almost touched it, she let out a huge fart.  She giggled like a child, stood back up and as she took the 5 or 6 steps needed to reach her chair and turn around, she tooted a little fart with each step.

Laughing out loud, she sat down, and said,

“Enjoy your drink dear.”  Then she snapped her feet and rocked back, gazing at the garden in front of her once again.

yesterday, the funniest thing happened….

8  now I must preface this by…he’s a shit. lol He’s the kind of kid that shakes up a soda before opening it; writes “help” while peeing in the snow; tells the same silly jokes over and over again..because he always gets another laugh.

This is the type of kid who was farting around yesterday, after much teasing and joking between about 30 of us, who turns pointing to me and his girlfriend and asks, “Hey, you wanna do a two-fer?”

I kid you not, I nearly wet my pants laughing. I am older than his mother, could possibly be his grandmother, lol, and in between gasps of laughter and curled over holding my stomach, I replied, “Are you fn kidding me?…you sick little shit!” I’ll leave the tone and dripping sarcasm in my voice to your imaginations.

The lil shit thought he was a genius, but what he didn’t know was what his friends said later after he was done basking in the limelight of his own center of the world; this place he lived for, to be in the center of it all. He is cute as hell, so he gets away with a lot, but the kicker was when his buddy said, “He’d do a dog for a Scoobie Snack!”

Of course this didn’t make me look very good, but it DID crack me up! I love working with young people, they are so much fun. Have a great day, ya all! Many blessings to you and yours, I gotta pay the bills…..D

said the spider…

'Oh, but you're looking lovely today,'
said the fat hairy spider to the lovely butterfly.

'Why thank you sir, aren't the colors wonderful,'
she asked him fluttering nearby?

'They are quite spectacular I must admit,'
he moved a bit closer ready to pounce.

'See how my eyes flutter when I fly,'
she moved away before his trounce?

'Why don't you do a beautiful flip through these
ugly trees and brighten my day?'

'I may have only bloomed a few hours ago, but
I wasn't born yesterday.'

Giggle, Ponder and Simply Sly

BEHOLD MY MUSE: FRIENDS

For more beautiful paintings by Katleen’s Brushes, click below:

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Giggle, Ponder and Simply Sly

6-22-13

prone to sweetness, sitting in a row

watching the world come and go

Giggle at a bright green pony-tail

agree it’s a total fashion fail

Ponder the depths of blame

Sly simply whispers, ‘so lame’

turn to watch another walk by

wearing black socks and try

so hard not to laugh out loud

but the white skinny legs so proud

right up to the oversized shorts

sending the girls into fresh loud snorts

hiding her face Ponder’s too shy

Giggle’s in stitches curled nearby

while Simply Sly widens her baby blues

leans in snickering and yells ‘ostrich on the loose’

screaming wildly ornery with mirth

girls; greater than love they’re worth

If only…

If I could sit around all day and lick myself, I would.  Take 5 naps a day, sneak around all night playing hide and seek, and ninja’s.

Stretch out on the furniture, holding on tightly with my claws, I get the best stretch that way.  Lying around while my sister or brother washes my face for me, cleans my ears, ooooh, stop it!  No wet willies!

Traipsing across the kitchen counter, grazing on anything left out or forgotten, making sure to spray the fridge or stove while I’m there, so everyone knows it’s my territory.

Mom left her funny smelling sweatshirt hanging on the door knob, so I better spray that too while I’m at it.

Then Mom comes home and it’s time to go outside, quickly, before she discovers what I’ve done.  Hide under the house looking for mice for a while.  Blame any smells on your brothers and sister, look innocent when she starts yelling, she’ll forgive us in an hour or so…at the latest bedtime.

Lounge all day on the shelves below the windows watching the hummingbirds and bees harvesting the flowers.  Scratch.  Annoy Mom until she puts fresh food out.

Yea, if only I could lick myself…

lol

Romeo; more ham than cat!

Some days I think he actually understands what “auto focus” is.  He loves to blur across the background of almost every picture I take outside; he loves the limelight!  He also loves to mess up my photo’s.  Scampers away with his tail twitchin’ when I scold him!  He knows.  He may not know exactly what he’s doing, but he obviously knows he’s doing something to irritate Ma, and it’s become a game with him.

He’s very theatrical in every way.  The way he sits like a sphinx, and falls asleep, until he falls over. lol  He’ll sit and look at me, slowly closing his eyes, in this condescending way.  As if to say, “You bore me!”  lol  Then he’ll open them to see if I’m still looking, and do it again.  He’s a shit.

He knows it; and I know it.  We’ve come to an understanding in our love/hate relationship. lol

Woo Woo….All Aboard…

“The duck train is now leaving the East dock, heading directly to the Western Mud Patch at a slow paddle.  Please keep the line straight folks, we don’t want to lose anyone.  No cutting in line, and no fishing while the train is moving….Hey, you back there with the white stripe on your head, I said NO fishing while the train is in motion!  Your lovely ducktress will be along momentarily with our breakfast menu; worms and fresh mosquitoes.  We should be arriving shortly, with no wind turbulence.  Please keep your heads up and out of the water, and out of your neighbor’s butt in front of you!”

lol

the light over yonder

the light over yonder

shines through my soul

blinding at times

gently warming a troll

~

teeheehee that’s like a “psych!”  had ya goin…them wham!  good morning all!  have a Blessed Day filled with laughter and love!!! SPREAD IT!!!  at this moment in time, I can’t produce the actual poem I started, the first 3 lines, because I can’t get the troll out of my head now.  so just so you understand, I’ll be posting this again…

after I stop snickering

seven syllable morning…

she stumbled in the darkness

her toes now crumpled in pain

she bumped her head on the door

her head now leaving a stain

holding her foot and her head

hobbling she hit the wall

tripped over a stupid cat

and then was forced to crawl

her knees now bruised and sore

she scooted towards her phone

realizing too late this time

as she sat dizzy alone

she wanted to call for help

she dialed with just her will

bleeding and also confused

she hadn’t paid the damn bill

no connection broke her heart

she laid down and cried it out

the stupid cat came again

sat on her head thereabout

Let me count the ways…

one day I will do you over and over

two paths will cross horns

threesomes are not allowed

four-twenty for sure dude

five-fingered discounts count

sixpenny times four nails it

sevenfold we need a rest

eight hours minimum

nineteen year olds couldn’t keep up

tenacious tenderloins tentless in under ten minutes

~

hahaha