I woke up at 3 am the other morning, laughing my ass off. I had remembered the best joke I ever played on anyone, and was evidently dreaming about it. Sooo, I decided to share it with you all… I must warn you in advance, for all my delicate readers, this has many expletives in it and naughty language, so read at your own risk!!
About 30 years ago, I, Yes I, was in the US Military. I was a peon. Only out of boot camp for maybe 6 months or so, and terribly disappointed with my duty station. I ended up in the armpit of the world, Pascagoula Mississippi! It not only looked and smelled like an armpit, it made you sweat like one, too.
So I was dating a guy, another squid, as I was in the Navy, and he was stationed on the USS Briscoe, #66, I think, maybe #69, it’s been a long time and I can’t remember. This was a ship in port at the time due to repairs or resupplying or some such nonsense. I had been turned down by my oh so sexist asshole of a CO for every school I had applied to go to, since they were kind enough to ignore their “contract” that I signed upon enlisting, and I had been turned into Shore Patrol at a duty station with no fucking shore. It was a a swamp. We even had a ‘lake’ out back with our very own resident crocodile so we couldn’t even go for a decent swim. We were a tiny lil base next door to Litton Shipbuilding; in case you’ve don’t remember this famous company, they managed to sell toilet seats for $2000.00 and hammers for $1000.00 to the US Navy, because the bean counters were off swimming in a real pool, or counting how many beans they could shove up their asses or else getting laid. Either way, it was a lousy duty station, to say the least.
But I found the man of my dreams no less, and we had started dating to kill time, and did so just about every night of the week. Most of the time this involved getting drunk in the base bar, playing Galactica on the computer tables we sat at, and I am proud to say I managed to turn the counter over, after reaching over 999,999 points one night and became the Queen. Therefore if I’m ever in space, watch out Chewbacca, I will shoot your ass right out of the sky!
So before I go on, I have to explain that not only was I Shore Patrol, which is like a cop in the military, as some of you may remember I was also a Marksman, a killer shot, and since I refused to become a sniper in boot camp, the Navy thought it was proper to send me to hell for my disobedience. Anyway, while working I had cause to meet many other ‘real’ Police Officers for the city, one of which was a true southern Gal named Officer Betty Jo Baldwin. Now Betty Jo had a serious thick southern accent, had hair piled up like a turban on her head, and was a bit chunky. None of which would stop her from strutting in and hitting on anything she deemed ‘sweet as punkin pie!’ A typical sentence uttered by Miss Betty Jo went something like this: Heya suga, wats rumplin yo fly, sumptin Eye kin hep ya wit, sweet p’tata pie?” Or something along those lines. You get the gist.
So me being the smart ass I have always been, I used to love talking to her, but more importantly I loved to imitate her. I practiced it, like daily. Not to mention I had used a few of her lines to boot, just to jerk the seamen around that I had to put up with daily.
So there’s the background… here comes the best joke ever…. teehee
My man decided one night that since I had to work until around 9pm, that he would go ahead on to the party that was being had down near the beach at a locals house. He was supposed to come get me after I got off work, so I could join in the fun….which became his first mistake. He blew me off like a $5.00 stripper. As I waited … and waited … for said boyfriend to come get me, after I got all dolled up, which is NOT something I like to do … I happened to mosey down to the quarter deck and listen into the night watch’ radio and what do I hear coming over the radio… but this:
The police are called to a water tower, where 3 drunk sailors have climbed up to tag it, with the giant ass letters “USS Briscoe #66! The fire department had to be called because one of the idiots was afraid of heights, and the other 2 drunks couldn’t get him down. They had to have the bucket truck come and be raised up, because he was freaking out and wouldn’t even let them carry him down their normal ladder.
Well, as you can imagine, me being the wise woman I am, I knew instantly that this was why I was being stood up. Of course by the next morning, everyone had heard, and my lame ass boyfriend called to tell me all about it, NOT apologizing, NOT even once, only calling to explain that was why he didn’t show up… because his buddy was a moron and they all got thrown in jail for the night.
This just didn’t sit well with me, to say the least. I had waited until 12pm or so, before giving up and going to bed. And to top it off, EVERYONE had seen me waiting, and waiting, all dressed up and no where to go. I was a tad bit hot. Not hot looking… pissed off!
So the next night while on duty again, I put my revenge into action, and along with another gal I worked with, we devised the ultimate revenge.
My boyfriend was a radioman, who monitored all calls incoming and outgoing on his ship; and one other fact you may not know about the military, is you may NEVER leave your station while on duty! War, hurricane or even crocodile attack was not a good enough reason, and if you did you would be thrown into the brig, or G.I. Joe Jail, no questions asked.
So wiseass that I am, I call up the radio tower, imitating my friend Betty Jo Baldwin to a tee, and say this:
“I need to speak to Petty Officer..Smith (for our purposes), this is Betty Jo Baldwin with the Sherriff’s department!” (Keep in mind that impersonating a police officer is totally illegal!) So my boyfriend comes on the line, and I go on, saying, “This is Betty Jo Baldwin with the Sherriff’s department, and sir, we need you to come down to the station as soon as possible. You need to sign a waiver that states you committed this horrifying act of destroying public property, and sir, If you are willing to admit to this heinous crime and promise to pay any and all fees associated with repainting the water tower, we will refrain from notifying your Captain of said crime!”
Well, while holding back several snickers, me and my girlfriend are busting at the seams, and he says, “No problem, I’ll be right there!” and hangs up! HANGS UP!
Now you also have to understand, 30 years ago we did NOT have cell phones, so I could NOT call him back quick enough. He was gone! Like Lightning! Out the door, illegally leaving his duty station to race to the Sherriff’s office to sign this make believe admission of guilt!
Meanwhile, I am torn between laughing my ass off, and worrying about going to jail myself, and worrying about him being sent to the brig, or getting kicked out of the Navy even. I finally settle on laughing my ass off, tears pouring from my eyes, and call back to tell the guys in the radio room what just happened, much to their delight also, but being his mates and all, they cover his ass.
He evidently drove there, running red lights and all, and much to his humiliation found out there was no such admission form, and that there was no female officer who worked for the Sherriff’s department at the time, so he flew back to the ship with the hounds of hell on his heels.
His mates don’t give him the good news when he gets back, but they are rolling on the floor I am sure, because I can hear them losing it in the background when he finally gets back and I am waiting on the phone once again to tell him the truth.
He comes on the line and says, “Oh my God, babe, you’re never gonna believe what just happened?”
I let him explain it all, including his heart-stopping fear of his Captain finding out, not to mention his career killing idea of leaving the ship, while still listening to his mates howling in the background, and him yelling at them through it all, “What?” and “Shut the hell up!”
Then when they quiet down again, he finally says, “Can you believe this shit?” so I calmly say, in the same Betty Jo Baldwin voice…
“Well, suga, maybe you shouldn’t be standin’ up your lil sweet girlfriend to go finger paintin’ on water towers!”