Ten minutes after I’m gone.

Someone said to me, you never write about yourself, other than humorously.  So today, I thought I’d rip open an old wound, and have at it.  Just because some days, people need to hear truth.  They need to hear that you are not perfectly happy.  They need to know they aren’t the only ones who are suffering.  They don’t want to hear preaching, or jokes, they want to know you are real.  This is also helpful.  A way to reach out and help others find their way.  They need to know they aren’t the only ones who have been crushed and beaten by the world.  So, here you go: an open wound I pray, may help to heal your own.

I’ve asked the Lord repeatedly, surely you couldn’t have meant for me to suffer for 30 years?  Heartbroken, never to find love like that again.  Surely, you couldn’t have wanted that, Lord?  Surely.  What test could you have given me, that required 30 years of suffering to learn.  Am I that slow?  Did you know ahead of time, that kind of love would kill me?  Or if we had been married for 30 years, would his passing have created so much more pain and suffering, that you wanted to spare me this?

People say, and I love this, that all our problems in life are actually blessings.  Like no matter what happens to you, if the Lord is watching over you, and you believe and worship Him, He will always take care of you.  So that any sadness or pain in your life, is actually the mercy; because if He hadn’t been protecting you, it would have been much worse.

Yet as I sit here today, remembering the only man I ever loved, who’s never left my thoughts or heart for more than a few minutes; I can’t imagine what possibly would have happened had we been able to stay together.  But events and circumstances stepped in, shattering my heart beyond repair, and I truly don’t think I have it in me to find love again that would even be close to the depths I fell into then.

I’ve had 4 relationships in my life, two of which were marriages that turned out to be my biggest mistakes ever.  How I managed to pick the two greatest losers on the planet, I will never know.  Some of my friends say I found 4, but even after he destroyed my heart, nothing on the planet could kill the love I’ve carried for 30 years.  Nothing and no one.  He was that dream man.  The man of literally my dreams.

Unfortunately, I never dreamed he wouldn’t fall in love just as deeply with me.  I felt love from him, yet he always held back and I knew.  I had no idea at the time that it was due to trust, his loss of trust in me: due to others who for some reason lied; due to me not able to convince him of the truth.  It didn’t even occur to me, until after the last time I saw him.  Standing there, his handsome grin slightly sad, sky blue eyes full of pity, as he ripped my heart out through my rib cage and ended my reason for living.

I do know, it has fostered years and pages of writing and a sadly poetic heart.  It has also brought me very close to God.  Which was probably the point, even if it was a dagger through my soul.

I know the Lord loves those who are long-suffering, but really, 30 years Lord?  That’s a bit extreme, even for You.  But then I think, if things had been different, I wouldn’t have become the me I am today.  Wonderful as I am, haha, I still can’t help but wonder why?

What could possibly have hurt me more?  Having the life I had dreamed of, and then ending tragically; or having a tragically sad life.  I miss those years.  I ache for those years we missed out on.  I still dream of him to this day, even after he chose to walk away, I’m still waiting.  Hoping.  Day dreaming about how he will reappear in my life one day, finally realizing his mistake, finally realizing I was the one.  Sometimes I think about all the things he missed out on, all the things I missed out on sharing with him, all those tiny moments of complete happiness.  It doesn’t help much now, but I know… I’ll finally understand ten minutes after I’m gone.

All I understand at this point in time, is this is how you create a crazy cat lady.

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