the Battlefield in My Mind

Holy Words teach the spirit of love

Holy Love teaches the spirit of the words

Holy Spirit teaches the words of love

The words in my head that answer my questions sometimes clearly are me just yelling at me.  I can hear them just fine, which makes me wonder why they feel the need to yell.  Like a child fighting if they scream the loudest they think they win.  They tend to repeat themselves and go in circles absolutely nowhere.  And no matter what the situation, no matter what, a car cuts me off in traffic, someone cuts in the grocery line, they are out of my favorite brand of TP, its raining again so I still can’t go play, no matter what…. my thoughts’ first response is negative.  Well, most of the time, I must admit a lot of things make me laugh first, before jumping on the negative train.  And even some things make me instantly happy, which seems to be happening a lot more too.  I am warring against my negative side, having decided I AM SICK and TIRED of always going that direction.

Just yesterday, after getting an email from someone, my mind began wandering down that dark path IMMEDIATELY!  My brain was taking a scenario of say me… telling them off, and drifting on and on into more and more mean negative thoughts, line after line of conversation in my head, what they say, what I say; so that by the time I reached my microwave to nuke my coffee from only the distance from my couch, my brain was THRILLED that I had put them in their place.

Thrilled, I tell you, “take that, haha, take that” I said out loud in my kitchen alone.   HOW FKNG SAD is that?

I’m serious….how fkng sad is that?

I suppose its part of my ability to write stories, that I can imagine a whole event from a single sigh.  BUT WHY must it always be so negative?  My friend calls to cancel a meeting, “oh, it’s ok,” I say repeatedly, getting off the phone, and thinking FIRST…next time she wants me to do anything for her, I’ll be so busy!  MY FRIEND!!!  And I still go there FIRST?

I don’t know how NOT to listen to the voices in my head, maybe I’m schizophrenic, or multiple personality’s are hiding in there, but it really sickens me sometimes…when I catch myself.

I’ve been waging a mini war against thoughts, and delving deeper into myself to try to find out why …. but no great insights have come along.  The only answer I can find, is someone whispering to me saying, “Just Stop!”

I truly feel happy inside, and out, but as the worse example I can give you: while driving in my car the other day, singing my heart out with the song, “I am redeemed, you set me free, you fkng moron, so I’ll take off these heavy chains, wipe away all the stains, cause I’m not who I used to be, I am redeemed…..” because someone slammed on their brakes for no reason, and I almost rear ended the car in front of me.

In the middle of SINGING to YHVH, the dark pops in….RUINING my worship, from seemingly nowhere.

I don’t know how to stop it.  Its like the negative thoughts just pop up into my consciousness.

Anyone out there in the blogorama know how to stop them before they appear?  I would love an answer.

I am truly trying to walk with Yeshuah, and even if He had a few angry moments in His life, for the most part love came out of his mouth first.

So if you have any insight into this problem of mine, feel free to comment.  I would appreciate guidance from anyone…..

and my second thought for the day…..have a wonderful blessed day everyone.

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3 thoughts on “the Battlefield in My Mind

  1. you are not your thoughts

    ~

    this line

    has always helped me

    ~

    we’re free to think

    feel emotion

    but that doesn’t define

    who we are

    ~

    reflecting

    learning

    choosing

    this makes us human

    how can we make it better

    what can we do next time

    what works for us

    ~

    think of those things

    then move forward with decisions

    give yourself the freedom

    to make mistakes along the way

    (this is how we learn)

    • thanks…I know I’M not my thoughts, just can’t figure out how to make
      the bad ones stop popping in all the time. I feel like sometimes, it’s
      not even me…their just random crap… 🙂

      • bad thoughts

        bad things always happen

        ~

        sometimes

        I try to slow things down

        for myself

        slowly thinking

        “focus, relax breathe”

        ~

        helps bring me back down

        to the moment

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